When I started The Broken & Brave Blog, I wasn't sure there could be moments between the broken and the brave. Today after my third year of EMDR therapy, I now know there is a between that feels still and stable.
In other moments during the past 5 years, in order to stave off the broken, the brave had to be the biggest and loudest part of me. I felt I had to be fighting all the time. Fighting against the ugliness in the world that hurt me, so it didn't hurt my daughter. The fighting took the shape of this blog. The fighting looked like activism. The fighting was writing books and taking speaking engagements. I put all the energy it took to be okay every day and put it into something good - something I could control. The fighting for good was what I needed to begin healing.
Lately, I haven't needed the struggle of the fight to feel whole. A stillness, a contentedness has come over me. The pull of the hustle, the urge to do more, do better, and make change has quieted. The need to control what identifying as a "survivor” meant for me and what that label looked like on me has calmed down. The shame has been brought into the light, dealt with, and will never go back into the shadows. The brave has mended the broken, if only until the next new memory or trigger occurs. That moment will most likely come. My history tells me a recurrence will happen at a time when my mind is stretched and stressed, and it can no longer be working to both run my life and keep out the pain. For a while now, I've known I possessed the tools to survive the next big flood of trauma or memories - EMDR gave me that. But I haven't always known there is this beautiful in-between place I could reach. In between the darkness of the broken and the intense activity of the brave - this place feels safe and dare I say “normal”. I don't know how long I will be able to sit in this stillness with contentment, but it's been a long time coming so I am going to enjoy it.
What does this mean? You'll probably see a dip in the highly focused content on my social media. A slow-down in my entrepreneurship and a lessening in my activism. Not because the passion or belief is gone. But because the next time it comes out, I want it to be from a place of freedom, a place of joy, and a place of readiness instead of fear and the need for control. So stay tuned. Who knows when I'll be back and why. But I know myself well enough to know I can't stay quiet for long- but right now the quiet feels so good.
So goodbye the Kristin who needed to be doing in order to control the feeling. Goodbye Kristin who needed to feel like every little girl's superhero because she didn't have one of her own. I'm going to focus on one little girl now…My daughter. She wants and needs me and I'm more ready to be there for her than ever. Little Kristin is safe for now in a healthy place in my brain and my soul, and I intend to keep her that way.