Moving through trauma, anxiety, and chasing control
As I work through my trauma with EMDR as well as “traditional” therapy sessions, it’s becoming clear I am making some real progress! Just this past week, I encountered a situation with my daughter that could have been extremely triggering….in fact, even a short time ago, maybe 6 months ago, the situation would have sent me into a panic attack or full-blown PTSD episode. On this day, however, the EMDR really proved its effectiveness. The painful recalling and recounting proved its worthiness because I thought about the trigger but didn’t experience a flashback. For anyone who has done EMDR for trauma healing, that makes sense. Because EMDR “moves” our traumatic memories from the part of our brain that holds trauma, to one that is better equipped to handle those memories, triggers can become about handling them, rather than experiencing them. The freedom I felt when I realized how I so easily moved through that moment was intoxicating and made me proud. I know there is more work to do, however.
New Manifestations of Old Trauma
As the trigger moments and flashback episodes show up less and less, I’ve started to see some of the other ways in which my trauma rears its head show up more. There are times I don’t feel my trauma is negatively affecting me on the surface until I look deeper. For me, this appears in the form of control. As a child, my home life was filled with contentious arguing, anxiety, and yes, sexual abuse. For many kids in these situations, much of life feels chaotic and out of our control. What I am learning about myself now is how I seek to replace that control in the moments I feel without it as an adult. Maybe it’s when my husband isn’t taking action on deciding which new car to buy, or when my toddler has potty accidents three days in a row, out of nowhere. In both situations I’m not in control - either because I’ve asked my husband to handle the car (and I desperately regret that decision) or because toddlers simply will not pee when you want them to…out of principle. In both situations, the anxiety and inability to sit still that I feel is overwhelming and almost always gets the better of me. What do I mean by that…just ask my poor husband. He would probably say that in these moments, I leap into action in ways that only spread my anxiety. I transfer my stress to my daughter, making her want to go potty on demand even LESS. I wind up in a fight with my husband because I asked him to deal with picking the new car, but alas when he doesn't do it in the very specific timeframe that makes me comfortable…I inevitably and not-so-subtly demand to take the task back. Simply put, even when I am not suffering from the macro effects of my trauma like flashbacks and PTSD episodes, the micro effects, (my need to control my situation) become my coping mechanism, my addiction.
Controlling to Cope
I am grateful that my trauma never sent me into the arms of drugs or alcohol to soothe my pain. However, I have had my share of other unhealthy numbing agents like eating disorders and cutting. How did I find my way out of those moments? Understanding they had nothing to do with wanting to harm myself or even be skinnier. For me, they were about controlling even just one thing amongst the chaos. Taming the flood of emotions for even a few moments felt like control at the time. Now that I see the pattern, now that I understand my need to control the world just outside my grasp, things make a bit more sense. The arguments I have with my husband…the outbursts I have with my daughter…most of them fit into the profile of a girl whose choice was taken away so many years ago and who is scrambling to take hold again now. I may not be able to stop these episodes before they happen, but I am working to hold myself accountable for them afterward, more and more. Lastly, based on reading the amazingly empowering book, Fierce Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff, I am focused on accepting the part of me that feels righteously angry, while consoling the part of me that needs comfort. If I do that more regularly, I am confident I will eventually control the need to control…wait does that sound like a control freak to you? This is going to take time. :)
Do you identify with using control as a coping mechanism?
Yes! That's me.
Not really!
Depends on the day.