Who Are You Passing the Baton to?
I recently listened to a Brene Brown podcast episode featuring the amazing, Viola Davis. During that episode, I picked up on something I really identify with. They equated life to a relay race. Not one in which we’re handing the baton off to others. Rather, a race where versions of yourself are tagging in the next, more ready iterations of yourself, as we evolve as humans over our lifetime. I align with this so much because I am able to clearly see the different versions of “me” throughout my life and the different legs of this race I’ve been on.
A Little Runner
The lead-off leg of my race was the runner I call, “Little Kristin.” She was a tomboy. She was already challenging norms. And she was already being abused. She drew strength from being her different, true self, even then. However, she didn’t yet have the words or the strength to stand up for herself. Little Kristin ran life’s race for me for a long time - until she couldn’t run anymore. She’d become a broken and aimless version of who she knew she was, unaware of how her hurdles were affecting her approach to life. Then, she decided to pass the baton to the next runner. This racer knew better and set out on a journey to find better.
As a young adult, I began my therapy journey and through that work, found more value in myself, was able to stop the self-harm I was engaging in, and started to understand what it meant to be in healthy relationships. That relay runner, that Kristin, was set up for a tough next leg - the next runner would make the choice to run towards the truth that had always slowed us down. The day the memories of abuse surfaced was the day the race was either going to end in an injury or continue on towards victory.
The Toughest Leg of the Race
I chose to hand the baton to the next runner, who’d see us through the toughest leg of the race yet. Truth and healing - this is the leg of the race I am running today. Sometimes this part of the race feels like I am chasing things I will never be able to grab on to. Chasing control, for instance. In the midst of a recent triggering episode, which dusted off more carefully packed-away traumas, I noticed that one of my long-time coping mechanisms was rearing its ugly head. When my trauma leaves me reeling and feeling out of control, I tend to over-control the little things in my life. I take on more commitments, I become a slave to the schedule, and I bring along the ones I love on this race to control something…anything. Understanding my challenges and truths and learning to living into them is part of this leg of the journey. Listening to this podcast episode made me ask the question, “Which Kristin do I want to pass this baton to next?” If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think the next passing of the baton is ready yet. What I do know for sure is I want the next part of the journey to have even more truths, more openness, and more of the brave than the broken.
The Future of The Sport
I know this race metaphor could easily lend itself to passing the baton at some point to the next generation - to my daughter. However, I don’t ever want her to see me stop journeying. I want her to begin her own journeying beside me, not after me. Viola Davis says, “A teacher is the one brave enough to share the truth.” My race is my truth and my teaching. I want my daughter’s race to be different or easier for having witnessed mine. I want her to know the importance and power of each person’s truth. When I leave this world and leave her in it without me, I want her to be able to continue on her journey from the place I left her, not begin when I’m gone. I want my journey to have anchored her race, making enough progress to put her far ahead of where I began mine. I am committing to making my truth be my victory and I want her to watch the race.