As a mom, who is journeying through trauma survival, it goes without saying that this journey affects my child. Of course, at the age of three, I keep her from the gory details of my trauma and abuse. But I believe I’d be doing her a disservice, long-term, to hide what I walk through every day in order to be healthy and strong for her in the short term. When my traumatic memories, or my coping with them, infiltrate a seemingly “normal” family moment, and I am outwardly affected, my daughter often asks, “Mommy, are you sad?” As a parent, our instincts are to protect their perfect, squishy, little faces from anything that could make them sad, mad or upset. In these moments, however, I’ve intentionally taken a different approach - I am honest about my big feelings (a term I am borrowing from Glennon Doyle). That intentional honesty achieves a few things:
Confirms and Doesn’t Confuse - Acknowledging the emotion my daughter is reading on my face IS in fact sadness, affirms her interpretations and instincts about people are correct. “You’re right, sweet girl, Mommy is feeling sad.” This type of reinforcement should make her a more confident communicator, both in the short and long term.
Makes Room - Being humble about the big feelings I experience, will signal to her that the reverse is also welcome. Showing her I am comfortable expressing these types of feelings, saves a space for her own big feelings, when they happen.
Models Resilience - My daughter sees me move through my big feelings in cycles. She sees the tears appear and sees me sink into the feelings. We acknowledge that the feelings are happening. Then we talk about how “Mommy is going to be ok.” Whether I take a moment to myself, go for a walk, head to a therapy session, or just breathe calmly for a moment, my daughter witnesses options for healthy coping. I should mention that I NEVER ask her to be the thing that makes me feel better. I am careful to avoid saying things like “you know, a hug from you might make me feel better.” Even though our kids can be a source of comfort and calm, the pressure to be the thing that makes our parents feel better is a pressure I felt as a child and I am careful to stop that cycle. I explain to her that “Mommy is sad, and I am working to feel better by (fill in coping method here).” I am modeling coping skills and resilience, while dissipating her worry that I won’t be ok.
As a whole, this approach has taken some development for me and my husband as well as some adjustment along the way. AND IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK. Sometimes the big feelings are just too big for the moment. However, most of the time, it serves us well, in that we don’t dwell on the big feelings but also don’t deny them. As my therapist reminds me, it’s also important to label our happy times as well! I hope you can make this work for you as well, as you journey on in parenting through trauma.