Part of my focus on intentional parenting is to carefully message the values my husband and I hold to our daughter. For me, there are as many messages I want to send to my daughter as there are ones I want to “unsend’ or reframe. One of the messages that I am currently working to restructure is what it means to be a “good girl.” I am as guilty as the next mom of saying to my daughter “You’re such a good girl,” or “Make sure you’re a good girl for Grandma today.” It’s a hard habit to kick, due to this phrase being so ingrained in our culture for our daughters. Traditionally, when we acknowledge little girls as being “good,” what do we mean? We’re implying they are doing things like following directions, being nice, being quiet, speaking appropriately, basically making the lives of those around her generally easier (definitely not harder). My concern with how we, as a society, have always messaged being a “good girl,” is two-fold: 1. The customary definition leaves room for only one kind of “good girl.” 2. Asking girls to be that kind of “good girl,” doesn’t necessarily serve them in the world we live in today (and probably never did).
So how am I working to reconceptualize “good girl” for my daughter? I am trying to intentionally define the phrase and then focusing on modeling that definition for her. When I catch myself using the phrase to describe her behavior, I attempt to quickly explain why her actions make her a “good girl'' in my eyes - things like kindness, thoughtfulness and helpfulness. I think it’s also important to offer what it does NOT mean to be a good girl, or what it does not ONLY mean. For instance, being “good” does not imply that you blindly follow the directions that an adult gives you simply because they are an adult. A lot of energy is spent helping her decipher which moments are ones in which she should listen to the adults around her, and their directions or instructions, and when it’s okay to ask questions, speak her mind and even say that something doesn’t feel or seem right to her. It’s not easy, it’s not conventional, but I feel it’s important for her to learn those distinctions and empower her with them.
As for the modeling component, that part is harder because it’s about my own behavior and the behavior of the people we allow into her sphere. This aspect is difficult to control but maybe even more important. When she sees us do things like change our mind, even when it’s not convenient, listen to our instincts, do something generous, or offer someone help, we try to highlight those moments as something “good” that we do for others, or for ourselves. These efforts to hopefully shift the view of how my daughter sees her place in the world, can be exhausting because they require a certain level of diligence. I don’t get it right every time…not even close. I acknowledge this approach on how to use the phrase “good girl,” might seem extreme to some from different generations or from different viewpoints. I invite like-minded parents to come along with me and see if we can raise a different (not necessarily better) kind of “good girl” for the next generation.
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