Very early on in my pregnancy with my daughter, I read about the importance of forming a circle of safety, so to speak, for kids. A circle of safety is a group of people that a child can depend on 100% for something very simple…to always be believed. As my daughter grows older and becomes more involved with activities outside the home and is increasingly exposed to new and different people, the idea of the circle is becoming more and more important. The people in the circle may change over time depending on comfort levels and viewpoints, but what remains the same are the values the people in the circle of safety should agree to. For our family, this is what it means to be in the circle:
Agree to at least on the surface, believe EVERYTHING the child reveals. Admittedly, there are days when my three-year-old fibs or tells white lies with every breath. Testing the limits of the adults around her is a natural part of growing. However, when it comes to her accounts of events that we weren’t present for, we make it a point, right off the bat to affirm her experience. We will tell her we believe her, even if she says the sky rained frogs at school today. Our first job is not to prove what kids are telling us right or wrong, but to decipher what they may be attempting to express to us, even if it seems far-fetched. Maybe the sky didn't rain frogs today, but maybe the thunderstorm that happened at school was extremely scary today for some reason. As the adult in the relationship, of course, I will partake in fact-finding and judgment calls outside my interaction with my daughter, as the situation calls for, and then I will react accordingly. In her mind though, she never worries about being believed.
Be a dedicated active listener. As adults in her trusted circle, we need to commit to hearing what the child might be trying to say when they’re talking about everyday experiences. Kids don’t always understand abuse is abuse and they often don’t have the words to describe things they experience or witness. Listening for context or red flags is sometimes the best tool in our arsenal. Then, it’s important we listen to our instincts regarding what we hear our kids say.
Provide the emotional space that promotes open conversation. For our family, bedtime has become a really easy and natural time to just chat. Even at three, when I give her the choice to either “rock and talk,” or lay and sing before bed, our daughter chooses “talk.” Most of the time she talks about amazing things like what order she thinks the colors of the rainbow should actually go in. Other times, however, she gives me a pretty real glimpse into how she’s feeling about our family, school, or other important topics by just explaining her day and asking questions that come to mind. These talks and these questions can really be indicative of a kid’s state of mind. Intentionally creating this time to easily digest their day helps kids understand you are a safe and open place to divulge whatever is on their minds.
Communicate that your family unit is strong enough to withstand a potential hard truth. Feeling responsible for the family’s reality changing in some way, if they were to say a scary thing, is one very common reason why kids keep abuse to themselves. Teaching vulnerability and consistently reinforcing emotional IQ will help kids know that arguments, hard times, and hard truths won’t upend a healthy family dynamic.
One of the best defenses we have against groomers and abusers is a parent or caring adult that watches and listens, but intentional parenting like this can be exhausting. It can feel like you are constantly standing guard or looking for indicators of scary issues. My advice to you is try to make these behaviors more natural and that takes some practice. Once the adults in the circle of safety are doing these things instinctively, the effort that goes along with them will feel less prominent and your vigilance will feel less like work and more like routine parenting. You’ve got this! We’ve got this.