I’ll never forget the first real panic attack I ever had. I had been in back-to-back advocacy/counseling sessions with survivors since early that morning, and as the day went on, I was feeling more and more restless. My heart would start beating wildly for no reason while I was just sitting still listening to others share their stories with me. I kept feeling like I needed to escape and started sitting in the chair closest to the door and so I could look out of the window occasionally. In my stubbornness, I didn’t want to use PTO and leave work for the day, but eventually I conceded and decided that I was too focused on how odd I was feeling than the clients I was seeing, so I told the boss I needed to head home and get some rest. It was on my way home that the real panic attack happened. My feet, legs, hands, and arms tingled all over. My heart was beating out of control. And the next thing I knew – complete and total darkness.
I eventually came to, and realized that my SUV and I had somehow pulled over on the side of the road, although I have no recollection of how that happened. Instantly, this feeling of heat rose all over my body and I had to roll down all of my windows to get fresh air, and then I was shaking and tears came pouring out, along with the words, “What is wrong with me?” I called my husband from the side of the road, he came and picked me up because I was too shaken to drive the rest of the way home, I went to the doctor, and thus began my journey of unpacking what it means to be a “Secondary Survivor.”
Children who grow up in homes with domestic violence (defined as any form of emotional, mental, verbal, physical, financial, sexual abuse) are referred to as “Secondary Survivors.” Witnessing any abuse in the home as a young person can often lead to many of the same impacts and consequences as the primary survivor, including but not limited to: depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, post-traumatic stress disorder, health and physical ailments. Young people who experience abuse in their household may also exhibit aggressive behavior in the form of bullying and perpetuating the abusive cycle later on as well. There are many risk and protective factors that play into child’s experience of domestic violence and how that will impact them into adulthood.
In my case, I had a fairly “normal” life by all accounts. I knew I was loved, I was well cared and provided for, I had a wonderful support system, and every opportunity available to me. Despite the challenges between my parents, I loved them and wanted the best for them and our family. I knew that things weren’t always “good” or “happy” or “content” at home, but I never looked at things through the lens of being abusive or violent. I just thought there were “bad moments” and “tough times” – but we’d get through it, work it out, and move on. After all, that’s what families do.
It wouldn’t be until years later when I was sitting in a therapist’s office explaining my high levels of anxiety and this low-level depression that had crept into my life, that she started helping me piece together how the work I was now doing for a living (working with victims of domestic and sexual violence) was literally rubbing against subconscious memories I had repressed from childhood of the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse I witnessed between my parents. How day-after-day of hearing survivor accounts of abuse was bringing to light things I had long stuffed down about my own experience as a child and teenager. And I was now being “triggered” (affected emotionally and mentally) when hearing that others shared a common thread with me, and coming to the realization that I needed to acknowledge something from my past and work on healing.
I wish I could say that the healing process was easy and a lateral process from Point A to Point B, but it hasn’t been. While I’m not one to resort to labels, I have had to acknowledge my natural tendencies and personality traits – a combination of nature/nurture – that have at times served me well, and at other times worked against me. So in addition to being a Secondary Survivor, I’m also a First-Born, Type-A, Perfectionist, Enneagram One Wing 9 (Reformer/Peacemaker), Control-Freak in Recovery. I am who I am. I own it. And I’m a work in progress.
As a perfectionist, I had some initial qualms about being on the receiving end of therapy. (Funny, since I’m a Social Worker who promotes getting help for oneself.) But I felt the stigma of it, and ashamed for “not having it together.” Looking back I feel really silly for feeling that way because it’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Taking time for myself once or twice a month to process my past, present, and future has been life-giving and life-changing. It’s made me more self-aware and helped me come to terms with my journey, accepting all of the pieces and letting them be what they are – parts of the whole beautiful picture that makes up my one “wild and precious life” as the famous American poet, Mary Oliver writes.
I am thankful that following high school, things within my family changed for the better. Although my parents divorced, it was ultimately for the best and led to all of us finding our way to healing in our own ways. I realize I am very fortunate to have parents (and step-parents) who can all come together and be in the same room, travel together, spend holidays together, etc. after some really hard times early on in life. The love, support, and commitment to us kids and now grandkids have never ceased.
While this is not the case for everyone who is a Secondary, or even Primary, Survivor, I share my story to encourage others to 1) seek help if you’re struggling in any way and might have things from the past that need to be addressed, 2) if you’re a leader in this movement who has a story, don’t be afraid to share it. There is power when we come out of hiding and bring our whole selves to the table. When you’re brave, others will be brave too. And 3) know that healing and hope are possible. Great resources exist out there in terms of therapy, advocacy, and supportive services. You don’t have to walk this path alone.
Hannah L. Gottschalk, LMSW-Macro serves as the Executive Director of SafeCenter Domestic and Sexual Violence Services of Clinton and Shiawassee Counties and is a passionate advocate for survivors in her community. To learn more, check out: www.thesafecenter.org. Hannah is also a Certified Coach and CEO of Fierce and Free Coaching, providing leadership and professional development coaching. To learn more, visit: www.fierceandfreecoaching.com or follow her on Instagram and Facebook: @fierceandfreecoaching.