About a two and a half years ago, I found myself seeking an alternative healing method for my struggle with childhood trauma. I had undergone almost a decade of what most people think of as traditional styles of psychotherapy. If you haven’t experienced it yourself, you’ve seen it on TV or in movies. A professional sitting across from a patient, asking a lot of questions and skillfully guiding the patient towards gradual illuminations about their past or their problems. And for years, this type of therapy helped me cope with depression, an eating disorder and many a dramatic break-up. Then, shortly after becoming engaged to my now husband, repressed memories of childhood trauma surfaced and threw my thoughts about therapy for a loop.
Within weeks of the memories resurfacing, I found myself back into one of those typical therapy sessions. This comfortable style of therapy did its job to help me survive day to day, while adjusting to my new normal; living everyday with the haunting memories and flashbacks of my trauma. But surviving is just that. It is not thriving. Fast forward three years and more new memories surface right around the time my therapist retires. With the re-traumatization of the new memories controlling my daily life, an urgent need for relief drove me to seek a new therapist. I emailed a couple of professionals that specialized in childhood trauma and then waited desperately for a response. When a response finally came, the therapist turned out to be an expert in EMDR.
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Wikipedia describes EMDR as, “A form of psychotherapy in which the person being treated is asked to recall distressing images; the therapist then directs the patient in one type of bilateral stimulation, such as side-to-side eye movements or hand tapping.” The idea behind EMDR, as I understand it, is that normal memories get processed and stored in the correct healthy place. Traumatic memories like those of abuse, war, or death can often get stored in an extremely raw and vivid form, and in the wrong place. If they’re in the wrong place, they can lead the patient to become easily triggered, as in PTSD, and often suffer with flashbacks. During appointments, the patient is asked to focus on a “target.” The target can be a feeling about yourself, a specific memory or a vague feeling that is bothering you. As you move through each target verbally, you’re asked to follow a blinking light with your eyes or listen to alternating sounds (or in COVID’s case, my therapist’s finger on the zoom screen). The therapist records your thoughts and feelings when the light stops each time and you use those thoughts and feelings to lead you to the next. This process, if effective, “moves” the traumatic memory to a healthier spot in your brain, making it not so traumatic when you recall it.
My initial reaction in my first appointment when she said I’d be a good candidate, was a skeptical feeling, and thinking to myself how hokey this sounded. But I really was desperate to get my life back and was willing to try it. Now that you know why and how I wound up trying EMDR, let me tell you why and how it changed my life:
It Worked - As skeptical as I was in the beginning, it wasn’t until the sharpness of the memories and intenseness of the flashbacks dissipated, that I actually started believing in the process. It is EXTREMELY dark at times and can feel retraumatizing, but at some point the darkness just began to lift off of me in a way I’d never felt before. I am a believer.
It’s Repeatable - I have gone through 3 separate targets now, in my EMDR, each about 4-6 months long, and every time I “graduate,” I do so with hopefulness that another awful memory won't come to the surface, but with the realism that most likely one will. However, I know now this process works for me, and I’m ready and confident if/when the next memory surfaces. I know I will be ok, because EMDR is my tool of choice.
It Builds Resilience and Strength - As I mentioned before, EMDR can be an exhausting process that takes a toll on your emotions and frankly your body. The process makes you tired in ways you never knew. After many sessions, however, I left the office feeling extremely powerful and in charge. Going through the dark sessions and coming out the other side of them with progress, control and hope is something to pride yourself on. And I did! I felt like a badass oftentimes for muscling through the broken times and coming out brave!
Overall, I want to express again how difficult the EMDR process can be emotionally. That being said, in my experience, the work, the exhaustion and the pain that it takes to get there, is worth the destination - a destination that offers eventual calm, strength and hope.
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